WE DO HARD THINGS: You're Not A Bad Mom

I've recently listened to a podcast called Invisibillia. In an episode, it talked about a study on how blind children, if left to explore and were not coddled, could end up doing amazing things like climbing trees, riding bikes and basically..well basically everything. But because of the way the world sees blindness as a disability, we are programmed to help them, to do things for them. That made me think. A lot.

In my house, my kids do not naturally "try new things". In fact, most of the time, I have to drag them kicking and screaming.

One of the harder things I have to do right now, is to convince my son who has bilateral radial aplasia (both arms missing radius bones and fingers) that he is perfectly capable of putting on his jackets and buttoning up his pants. Fact: I am not totally convinced that he is perfectly capable of it. I have to teach myself not to say that to him. Part of my training, is to repeat over and over to him that he can do it. And then, the second part of my training (and by far the most painful part of it) is that I make myself stand there and watch him struggle. I encourage him. When he whimpers and whines and says "Mommy I can't do it. I tried but I can't." It makes me sick to my stomach, and with a lump in my throat I say "Yes you can baby. You can do it." I give him tips, I cheer him on, I ball my hands into fists and scrunch my toes and try with all my might to NOT do it for him. It's agony and each time we are finished with that terrible exercise, I usually go into another room and sob.

I would love to say that it is because my kid is "special" that makes my pain so much more tangible. That is FALSE. All parents go through challenging times in their kids lives. But it's so important for us to hold that line. I hate making him work so hard and hearing him so frustrated. But I know that the day that he learns to tie his shoes is going to be so much sweeter because we worked so hard to get there.

Last night, when I was being a "consistent parent" and making my daughter clean her room, she wailed so loudly that I said the typical thing that one says when they feel they are torturing their child. I said "I am SUCH a bad mom."

 But as I said it, my seven-year-old looked up at me and asked me why I thought that. I said that it was so hard sometimes to make your kids do things that are hard, especially when they cry. It makes me feel bad.

He looked right at me and without a pause said, "Mama, you are NOT a bad mom." I smiled and said thanks and then he said, "No mama, do you know that? Do you know that you are not a bad mom?"
As if that couldn't just melt you into a puddle, he was saying it while he was doing a chore. A CHORE people! I hadn't even bribed him.

Pushing my kids to do hard things might just be the toughest part of my job. It is tiring. It is ear piercing. It's unsettling. It's so so frustrating. And, if I do my job right, it will be totally thankless. But even though I push them, I know (if not gently reminded by my sweet little boy) that I am NOT a bad mom for doing that. Sure they may yell at me. They may scream and whine and bang on the wall. But making them do hard things doesn't make me a bad mom. We do Hard Things. And, with any luck, that will stick with them.

Do you struggle to hold a line? Do you feel discouraged about how hard it is? Do you feel like the bad guy? I'm telling you now... YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM. You aren't.
Whatever battle you are fighting, whatever line you are holding, whatever hard thing you are making your kids do... know that these things don't make you a bad mom...they make you a good one.

The passage of Time

                                                  Time. 

There is a lot to be said about the passage of time. Hootie and the Blowfish (the great orators of our generation) once said "Time is wasted, time is walking  you ain't no friend of mine... I think I'm going out of my mind just thinking about time."

Time is so many things to so many people. I think that time is most evident in a mother's life.The days are long but the years are short. That's what they say about motherhood. I would have to agree. Time wasted worries you, time ahead fills you with anxiety, time behind you fills you with sadness. I  think of this time in my life with my children and I feel like it is slowly slipping through my fingers. This time is precious, and valuable and quickly moving and ever changing.

It is this time, this preciousness that propels me to take snapshots of my children so that I can look back and remember.

I can remember that moment when your two front teeth were missing. It was just 3 weeks of time before that front one grew in. It was your seventh birthday with that cake that took an army of hands to put together. And it was this cake that made you smile that gloriously magnificent tooth gapped smile that I will remember forever, but that only lasted for 3 short weeks.

I can remember that moment when I first brought you to this playground and it didn't look too big for you. It was just your size. And that knowing smile told me that you were ready for a phase of life that I wasn't ready for.

But that smile also told me that while you were a big boy now, playing with the other big boys, you weren't too big to stop holding my hand or giving me a big, sloppy, wet kiss as I said goodbye to you. You were telling me that it was going to be okay, even though you weren't exactly sure that it was. That was this moment.

And then there was this innocent split second when you were sitting on your Nana's lap and looking up into my eyes with such love; such tenderness. And it took my breath away that someone could look at me that way, that someone could love me in that way. And it was in that moment that I thought to myself "There has never been a more beautiful little girl in the history of forever." And you held my hand and wiggled into my lap and you put your face against mine. For that split second, for that moment we were connected. And I was your everything.



While I'm sad at the time that is already gone and am excited about the time that I won't have to potty train, or pick up the lego that seems to congregate down the edges of my hallway, I must for now live in the present in this fast moving and changing current of happenings that is my children's childhood. How I want it to stand still. I would gladly fill up sippy cups forever if I could just hold onto this moment.

This wonderful, beautiful moment of absolute chaotic, giggling mess.

We don't negotiate with terrorists: how to deal with picky eaters

Every family has got one. There's that rogue eater, the straggler, the last one to finish their food, or rather the last one to push their food around their plate enough for it to look like it was semi-eaten. And no matter what you do, it is a struggle at every meal to get protein and vegetables or something unfamiliar into their stomachs. So how do you deal with a picky eater?

I wish the answer was a simple one. The truth is.... it takes work! Here are a few methods:

Consistency

I think if there was one thing that I could say I've learned in parenting, it's that consistency is key. If you aren't consistent, you might as well give up now because they will wear you DOWN. It's their job to push limits and test boundaries and to make you feel like maybe you've gone mad. The only way to win this war is to tow the party line.

With our three-year-old, consistency is proving to be the mountain we have to die on. Every. Single. Night we put a well-balanced (okay sometimes it's not always well-balanced but hey, nobody's perfect) meal on the table. And every single night she goes through various stages of whining, complaining, crying and screaming all through dinner. I have to say, it's not a pleasant experience. She tests our patience until it is as thin is a spaghetti noodle. Tim often asks "Why do we even make her dinner? We know it's just going to go straight into the garbage." 

Tim speaks truth. Most of the time, I question the sanity in even making a meal for her. But there are those shining moments, those little glimmers of hope when she reaches for that fork and takes a big, heaping bite of something she's never tried before that I feel that all those other nights have paid off.


Sticking to the Rules

This one  is a tough one for me. In our house, we have hard and fast dinnertime rules. No dessert, or bread or anything "extra" until the meal on your plate is consumed. This one is a challenge because we have three kids and only one picky eater. It often feels to our daughter that we are singling her out when her older brothers get a cookie or a snack. She watches them laugh and enjoy the chocolatey goodness as she pushes around her green beans and whines about how unfair life is. There was a time when I would give into this and hand her dessert- big mistake HUGE! Don't do it guys. Put down the cookie, just say no. The consequences are not worth it.


Don't Negotiate with Terrorists

Now there are lots of different kinds of dinner negotiations. I'm not talking about the "eat 2 more bites and you can be done" negotiations. No, those compromises are the only things that give me the will to live sometimes. I'm talking about, the dinner terrorists. The ones who decide they will give you their terms and you will submit.... or else.
"Ok mama, if I eat 3 more bites of rice, I can have a cookie" Hmmmm..... Nope. Those are not the rules. (Wild fits of rage ensue) "Ok, 4 bites!" Uh, still no.
I counter with an "How about all of it?"
"Ok... fine."
Yes!! I'm thinking about joining the United Nations.

Don't Push It

No matter how hard we try, there are just going to be those nights when nothing gets eaten. It happens to everyone. And on those nights, we allow a little bit of water, but we stress that nothing else is coming until breakfast (which they are always STARVING for in the morning). In order to ensure confidence in your picky eater, it's important not to berate them. Ok, so you may feel like another culinary masterpiece has gone to waste. Hang up that apron and surrender the dinner bell, nobody ever died of an over consumption of peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches.


In short, it's important to stick to your guns and remember that it won't always be like this. But if you can stick to it there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Diary of a freelance mom

A friend of mind recently said to me "Boy, it's like you lead two lives" And I have to say that lately, that's felt very true.                                                                                       

  I've really had the opportunity to travel a lot for work. It's junket season and with that comes first class flights and fancy hotels. But I have to say, for a mom that does dishes and laundry most days, it seems like such an out of body experience.

I've been getting a lot of questions  about what I do. The short answer is: I'm a freelance writer. It's a slow process but it's been rewarding to build my resume as things come up. I've been able to screen movies and interview actors and directors. I've had the chance to write reviews and features for a few publications. I've been able to see sights and truly spread my wings and I've enjoyed every minute of it. But when I'm away from my kids it also feels like a huge part of myself is missing. I so enjoy being able to talk about media and writing and social issues with my fellow writing community, but I also just as equally love talking about First Grade book fairs and the funniest thing that Noah said last week to other like-minded parents.

Maybe that's why I love this blog so much, because I can share everything with you. There are so many pieces to my life, so many interests and passions and causes that I have, there is no way in this little ADD brain of mine that I could ever contain my thoughts to just one subject, or my passions to just one page. I'm a mom, first and foremost and my favorite view is not the most amazing city skyline (like this one from this last weekend in Beverly Hills):

 No, my favorite view is still this one. At home cuddling next to my sleeping children and being a part of their everyday life.

I'm still trying to figure out how to bounce from thing to thing and maintain a sense of balance and order. And while I'm confident I may never know balance and order in this chaos I call life, I sure am glad you're along for the ride.

The A.D.D. mommmy

I've talked about having A.D.D before in the church setting. And there are so many other places and scenarios in which it can definitely be hard. Recently, I was asked how I handle having A.D.D. and being a parent and I have to say, in this case, A.D.D. can be your best friend.

 

 

When they're babies it's a lot harder to keep track of things like feeding and changing and burping (repeat). You have to really focus and concentrate, which can be hard for anyone when they're running on 2 hours of sleep. Of course, these days the world is just full of apps that help the parents remember those little details. When they get older ofcourse, there is no need for apps. The constant whining, crying and shouting "Mama.. I'm HUNGRY!" make it quite easy to remember to feed your kids.

 

Do I get distracted and hyperfocused on projects and things and sometimes forget to start dinner on time? Ofcourse I do! But mostly, I think A.D.D. is an invaluable resource to a parent with multiple children. It's what allows me to hold one crying kid, while pulling the other one's pants up and answering the other one's questions. It is what keeps my mind jumping from superhero to princess game, what allows me to potty train while giving a spelling test. Because, frankly, that's motherhood and I'm fairly certain that by the end of it, most moms have some form of A.D.D.

 

 Never being able to finish a thought or conversation on the phone without a kid tattling, or hanging on you or wiping their dirty hands all over you. Laundry souring in the washing machine because you've gotten distracted by all the legos that were dumped on the livingroom floor. Only a half-cleaned kitchen floor that was left when your favorite song came on the radio and you broke out into a spontanious dance party with your kids in your livingroom (no, that's just me? no matter). The point is, motherhood is a constant form of A.D.D. What mom hasn't spent a playdate half talking to their friends, half reffing an argument, or keeping your two-year-old from hitting other kids?

 

I see A.D.D. as a total advantage in motherhood. If you DON'T have it, you're in BIG trouble.

 



Sweet gifts

As a mom, I put a lot of pressure on myself to teach and encourage my kids. This is truly important, but what they have taught me along the way is that it is equally important for them to have each other to teach and encourage. I see it in their everyday play, just how much they affect one another. I hear it when Elijah teaches the baby a new word and then praises her when she says it correctly. Or when Noah says "Good job Wijah" when he goes potty all by himself. I hear them say "excuse me" when they want to get by, thus passing down the manners to one another. I even see it in Olivia when she claps for Noah who quietly sings a song or does a dance for her. 

I can recall, not so long ago, when I was pregnant with my third baby, seeing all the stares people would give me when I told them how close together my children would all be. I'm sure they thought I was crazy, and frankly, I kind of thought I was too. The amount of work, the amount of needs, the amount of attention was dizzying. But as I sit here in the quiet of my living room and listen to the sounds of them playing together; tiny giggles, little words of encouragement and love I think.... what a gift. Just as they are a gift to me, they are also a gift to one another. I am so glad they are a little clan of people that all get to grow together through the same stages at the same times.

My prayer for you my babies, is that you have such a strong bond. That you won't let time, or distance get in the way of the precious gift you are to one another. I pray that even when I am gone, you will have each other to lean on, laugh and cry with. That is my gift to you, as you each are gifts to me.

Warkykid Chatter: About God's House

This last Sunday, I got ready for church in the usual way. While I was getting ready, Elijah came up to me and I had one of the most fun conversations with him:


E: Mama, where are we going today?


Me: We're going to God's house Elijah.


E: (After much thought) But Mama, God's house is waaaay up high in de clouds...up in Kevin.


Me: Well yes, Elijah God does live in heaven, but I'm talking about going to God's house today.

E: But mama.... we don't have a balloon.


Me: No, we don't but we can get there without one.


E: How are we going to get there then Mama? By an airplane?


Me: No


E: Oooh I know... an elevator!


Me: No, we're going to get there by car.


E: Mama, cars can't fly!


Oh this kid!

A Birthday I will never forget

This is one of those days I'm going to store in the back of my mind; a treasured life moment.



For the last several years, I have said that I wanted to make a birthday cake for Jesus for them to understand that it is his birthday. Each year comes and goes and I always end up forgetting to do it. This year, I was determined to make it happen. I talked to my fellow mommies from our mom's group and, together, we planned to do a birthday party for Jesus. We baked cookies in preperation, and talked it up all week. Finally, we woke up this morning and were so excited about the big birthday party we were throwing for Jesus.

We decorated cookies, dressed in nativity garb, heard the nativity story, sang carols. I'm not sure there is any greater joy than listening to your children sing songs of praise to Jesus.To be able to watch them really understand what Christmas is about and to be so excited about it. The party was a blast and the real highlight was when all the children danced like angels in celebration of Jesus' birthday. And after every cookie was eaten, and all the kids were tucked away in bed for a nice long nap, I sat down to think about the day we had. I thought about how The Lord must have smiled so bright when these tiny little children sang his praise. Did he cry as hard as I did when I heard my two-year-old say "It's Cheeses bewfday. I wuv Cheeses."? I'd like to think that his heart melted as much as mine did when his little children came to celebrate his life.

Warky Banter: The truth about potty training

As I've posted before, I have been trying to potty train the boys. Elijah gets it for the most part, as long as you keep him naked all day. Noah is much more stubborn. This is a conversation Tim and I had today about Noah's potty training blunder.

Me: Noah pooped in his underwear and I had to hold his turd while feeding Olivia

Tim: That's disgusting, I could have gone without knowing that.

Me: Just another day in the office

Tim: I'm currently holding an ipad 2.

Me: That's so much better than a turd.

A bible blog

I've struggled a lot with teaching my kids about God. The concepts are so difficult to explain to toddlers. I sing all the songs, and attempt to answer the questions, but thus far it's been a challenge to get them to understand. I know they learn things at church, but each week when I ask them what they learned their responses sounds something like, "We had a snack" or "I played with my friends." Without knowing what the lesson plan was, I have no way of reinforcing it throughout the week.

But let's face it, when it comes to teaching my kids about Christ, it's really my responsibility. and I wanted to take ownership of that. Recently I stumbled upon my friend Rachel's blog about the Jesus Storybook Bible. It was pretty interesting and several of my other friends had been talking about it. She had a giveaway contest on her blog and I entered. I was so excited when I won! We got it in the mail today, and immediately the boys were interested in reading it.

We started with the creation story and I was blown away by how well they grasped the concepts. In the end, even Noah was somewhat understanding what we were talking about. I just love listening to their little voices talking excitedly about God, and what He made. They were so thrilled they didn't want to stop with just one story!

Though we have a long way to go, I feel like this bible is a great tool in stepping towards that direction. I'm really looking forward to our reading times.

Potty Bootcamp: Where only the brave survive

So I have been dragging my feet on this whole potty training thing for a while now. Elijah has had some complications with it due to his hands and his development, so I decided to wait until it was summer. I was going to just train Elijah but then I decided to train Noah as well. People have commented on how crazy this is, but bare with me.

My boys have ALWAYS been competitive. Elijah is constantly spurred on by his brother trying it first. I have no idea why, but hey why fight it? So I figured, I try it with potty training. That why today I decided since it was 84 degrees outside, and I was SICK TO DEATH of changing diapers, that I would try Potty Bootcamp. It's not from a book I read, or a video I watched, or even a friend I know. It's more like a frame of mind. I gathered the potty up, every fun toy I could find and brought the baby out there while we had a potty party.
Within 2 minutes of Noah's diaper being off, he went in the potty... I was stunned. I had no idea he was even ready. Ofcourse, as predicted, Elijah could not be outdone and so the competition began. I let them run around naked all morning as we danced to Disney music and drank lots of juice. Ofcourse, we had our laptops out for when things didn't come out very quickly. I couldn't resist snapping pictures.

Even the baby got into it in her bouncey toy. She just loved being a part of the excitement, though she had no idea what it was about.

I am officially marking Day One of Potty Bootcamp a success. Now, to stay motivated. (Stay tuned for that one)

Mother's Day Reflections:3 years in

Three years ago, I celebrated my first mother's day. I was a new mom, enjoying every little thing about my baby. I couldn't have imagined then just how full my heart would become, how many lessons I would learn, or mistakes I would make. I couldn't have dreamed that 3 years later, I would be taking Mother's Day photos with 3 amazing babies.



The woman I was before my children came along is but a shadow of who I am now. My heart is so much more full. My desire to give my children love and support has allowed me to try things I would never have tried, and accomplish things I couldn't have ever seen myself doing. I have become a hairbow maker, a party planner, a sewing enthusiast, an avid reader, an interior designer, a documantarian, and a graphic designer since they came into my life; all things I could never have dreamed I would be. Being a mother has encouraged me to become a better person, a more well-rounded one.

I've become more relaxed- less of a control freak. My children have taught me that there is no controlling when they play in mud, or get covered in peanutbutter, there is no telling how covered in crayon your walls will become, or when somebody will have a dirty diaper that requires a wardrobe change. These are all things you have to roll with, and I have learned to not take things so seriously, or expect perfection.

So if I could say one thing to that mother 3 not-so-very-long years ago? I would tell her not to worry so much. You can't control things, you can't make them happen the way you want them to. All you can do, is sit back and enjoy the crazy ride and trust that the Lord knows what He's doing. Enjoy every kiss, snuggle, hug and wonderful thought that pops into their head. And find a way to laugh, even at the ridiculous mess your baby just made, everyday!

Pimp my Ride or The Cozy Coupe Transformation

I wracked my brain this year thinking of something really great to get my boys. But as I looked at my budget, I just couldn't get them the newest and greatest. By chance, I was browsing craigslist and found an incredible deal on 2 very old Cozy Coupes. At $10 each, I simply couldn't pass them up. The owners powerwashed them for me, and even though they were sparkly clean, they were still somewhat faded and definitely LOOKED like a craigslist buy. So I decided, after much research on the internet, to refurbish them. Here's what they looked like:

I bought the Krylon plastic covering spray paint and got to work covering the bottom in painter's tape. I painted BOTH of the top parts of the car a shiny black color. I started with the top because I knew if it dripped it would be alright, and I wanted to get the black over with, since that is the hardest to recover and repaint if you mess up. Once I did a few coats, they looked like this:

In my house, color is important. It's how you set apart what's yours from what's your brother's. Everything that Elijah owns is blue, everything Noah owns is green. So naturally, I had to make a blue one and a green one. Spray painting those were a challenge. I taped plastic bags on all the wheels and the black spots that I didn't want to get paint on. Even so, things leaked through and I ended up having to put several coats on them. I think it's the perfectionist in me probably. But after several coats, and several days, I ended up with a pretty amazing result. Ofcourse, I highly reccomend putting a coat of see-through polyurethane on top, to keep scratches and ruboffs from rearing their ugly heads. But, it worked pretty well considering:

It was so fun on Christmas morning peeling back the curtain and revealing their "new" toys. I found it quite hilarious that they both knew exactly which one was theirs, without having to be told. Ahhh, the simplicity of having those familiar colors- no fighting.

Christmas: Through the eyes of a child

I used to think I knew what Christmas was about. I heard the story a thousand times, and thought of it's meaning. I thought about how amazing it was to celebrate the birth of the Christ child. But it wasn't until I became a mother that I truly understood just how precious the birth of a baby can be. This year, I had the priviledge of talking to my sons about what Christmas was about. Their responses were... pretty amazing.

When asked about why we celebrate Christmas, Elijah replied, "Mama, Christmas is Jesus' berfday. Eets not my berfday mama, it's Jesus'. "

This is the story, as told by Elijah, Noah and mama, of Jesus' Berfday:

There was a baby named Jesus. He had a mama, and a dada who loved him a "wot". But they couldn't find a crib for him, so he had to sleep in a barn. He cried "wah" just like baby "o-wee-a" (Olivia) cries. Then there were some kings with big crowns on their heads who followed the "twinkle twinkle widd-uh star" to the barn where Jesus was born. They gave him presents and there were cows "moo" there. There were also some farmers who were watching their sheep and an ANGEL came to them and told them about where baby Jesus was. Then all the farmers and kings bowed down to worship him. And the angels danced around and had a big party. - This is the part where Noah said "dance" and him and Elijah started dancing all over the room.

And that's when I totally lost it. How wonderful it is to look at Christmas through the eyes of my children. I so enjoyed dancing in celebration of Jesus- my King. It really made me think of how the angels must have been partying up there. I thought about Christ sitting on his thrown right now smiling, just as I smiled, as I watched little Noah and Elijah dancing for Jesus. I wonder if he got a small tear in his eye, as I did, when Elijah said, "Mama, for Jesus' berfday, I want to give him a berfday cake."

Thank you boys, for helping me to keep the reason for the season in my heart...always.

The world of 3

It's been 3 weeks since I entered the world of 3 children 3 and under. I thought it was an appropriate time to write a little something about what I've learned. Really, life is just about survival right now. It's been interesting having a newborn in the house again and all the lack of sleep it entails. But I think the added challenge is the sudden burst of energy the morning shift and it's 2 rambunctious little boys has brought to my world. I feel like the walking dead.

The amount of diapers I change in a day is ridiculous. Seriously, unheard of amounts. I think when I am finished with the last dirty diaper, I am using all the money we spend on diapering 3 butts and going on a weeklong cruise. And the laundry.... oh the laundry. It makes me want to curl up in a corner somewhere and suck my thumb.

I have to say, when I tell people that I have 3 children and spout off their ages, most people shake their heads or have a wide-eyed expression on their face. I then make some comment to acknowledge the fact that yes, we are in fact a little bit crazy.But, the joy of having all 3 of my kids in my minivan while we drive to the store, or sitting on the couch while we read a book is such an amazing feeling. A loud, chaotic, confusing, amazing feeling. So, 3 weeks in I can tell you that it is a scary endeavor, and not for the faint of heart. But it is the most content I've ever felt in my whole life. My cup overfloweth.