Today I packed your lunch, and combed your hair and sent you on your way to your first day of kindergarten. You were so excited to put your new shoes and backpack on, as I knew you would be. And though I tried hard not to, I still had a large lump in my throat when I buckled you in your seatbelt.
Most moms have a tough time saying goodbye to their baby. And I think every mom has a right to. But today was an especially hard day for me, as it was not only the day when you grow up, but it's the day when I have to send you to the world and let you fend for yourself. I try really hard not to torture myself thinking about all the questions the kids will ask you about your disability. I try to not to think about your responses to them, or how you will present yourself. Will you be confident? Will you know how to answer them? I hate that I can't do it for you. Oh HOW I wish I could. But my sadness today is not the normal mom kind, it's the fact that you will now fully know and understand that you look different from the kids around you. Because we haven't treated you differently, or talked about it much, you have pretty much gone unaware. I have stayed up so many sleepless nights thinking about whether or not this was a good idea. Should I have better prepared you? Should I have given you a list of answers to give people? But you see Elijah, you AREN'T different from other kids, not really. And I didn't want you to have that stigma in your head. You can do ANYTHING, you can be ANYTHING and there really isn't anything that seperates you from other children, except for your enormous heart and your tender spirit.
And while I have battled, and struggled and tormented myself over the decision I've made, I am confident in this one thing: God is with you. He was with you when your spirit was sent into my womb, and the day you opened your eyes for the very first time. He was with you during the many times I had to hand your helpless little body over to doctors and nurses who would poke and prod at you. And today, I hand you over to Him knowing that He will hold your little hand all day long. I know that I cannot protect you as I once could, gosh knows I would if I could. But I hold on to the promise that God is protecting you. I pray that He gives you the words to say to all the questions, and that he gives you the strength to not be shaken by unfriendly comments.
Elijah, you have the most winning personality. You have a way of making people like you that is just so incredible. I know this charisma was God's special gift to you, and I pray that you would use it to one day further His kingdom. Until then, let's just get through kindergarten okay?
All of my love to you sweetheart,
Mama
2 comments:
Love this! Also love the new look, EXCELLENT design job.
First, great job on the website, Erin. Looks like you even have your own domain name now :-)
Second, great post on what it's like to send your kid off to school for the first time. It's so hard not to worry about how they will do. Personally, I think Elijah will do great, mostly because of how you guys have raised him, but also because he's a great kid.
Funny, even when your kids start hitting thirty, you still wish you could help them avoid life's inevitable trials.
Oh, btw - love Elijah's hair :-)
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