How to deal with a bully: kill me with kindness

Lately in our house, we've been asking ourselves a very tough question:  
                            HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH A BULLY?

2 months ago, Elijah came home after school crying. He told us that on the playground, a kid had been making fun of his hands and calling him "a very mean name" repeatedly. We talked it through and assured him he was much more than that name. And we thought we dealt with it. But he came home the next day, and the next week and the next 2 months after that saying the exact same thing.

We told him to tell a teacher, or the person on lunch duty. He did and still.... nothing changed. I read books, sought wise council and talked endlessly to my husband about how to deal with this bully. I mean, I know what I WANTED to do. I wanted to put my mama bear shoes on and have a meeting with everyone I could find about it. I wanted to walk right into the playground and give that kid a piece of my mind.

I wanted to storm in there and save the day because nothing, and I mean NOTHING gets me more angry-crazy-protective-kungfu-mama-mad than when someone has hurt my baby, especially someone who does it repeatedly.

It was agony listening to my sweet, caring little boy explain how he would tell the kid that these things hurt his feelings and how the kid just laughed at him. The thing that would just break me is when he would look up at me, tears welling in his eyes and say "Mama, I know if he just got to know me, he would like me." How do you console that kind of a broken heart? How do you send him off to school each day knowing he will continue to get knocked down?

If I had gone in there guns a blazing, with my angry face on causing a big stink, it might actually have worked. I might have gotten that kid to stop calling him a name, raise awareness about the bullying, and maybe even made my boy feel better. But the question I had to ask myself was
 
"But what would that teach him?"

The scary, sad, gut wrenching reality is: in my little boy's life, he will face a mountain of bullies. There will be the outright mean ones, there will be the relentless ones, there will even be the ones who mean well, but still somehow prevent him from doing things he dreams of simply because they will not think he is capable.

And facing that giant mountain of bullies, he will not always be able to rely on his mama bear to fight his battles for him, nor will he want it. No, these will be the battles that he will fight alone. But how can he fight them, if we do not equip him? How will he know how to handle things if we don't teach him that he IS capable?

So we made a very tough decision to not go in with canons lit. Instead we would pour into him what to say, who to talk to, how to handle things. He would ask questions and give us what if scenarios and we would answer his questions as best we could and let him know that there was absolutely nothing wrong with the way he looked, it was the kid who was wrong. Every morning on his way to school, his daddy would talk him through it, and everyday when I would pick him up I would hear how it went.

 Elijah went to school and talked to the lunch duty officer, he even worked up the courage to tell his principle about it. They all encouraged Elijah to ignore it. But, he simply couldn't. For 3 weeks, everyday he saw the kid he would come up to him and tell him that what he said hurt his feelings and asked him to apologize. He was relentless.

 Finally yesterday, Elijah came home grinning from ear to ear.  "Mama, guess what? The mean kid apologized to me!!" he said. I responded with an, "Oh my words Elijah that's awesome, how did you get him to do it?"

"I just went up to him and said what I say everyday, that what he said hurt my feelings and that he should apologize and not call me that name anymore. And the kid said 'okay! I will apologize and promise not to call you that name again if you will just please, please stop bothering me.' "

I had to laugh. He handled it, and he did it all on his own. He was persistent and in the end, it worked out for him. I don't know that every bully story will have a happy ending, but I saw the confidence and self worth radiating from my son and I knew that teaching a man to fish was far more rewarding than giving him a fish for a day. In his own way, he had defeated his bully by killing him with kindness.