First Day of Kindergarten Milestone for my middle little

Dear Noah,

Today is your first day of kindergarten. I don't know why, but for some reason this fact blows me away much more than it did with your brother. I think it's because you have always been my little buddy. Since you were tiny, you have always been stuck like glue to my side. When brother went to school, you were incredibly happy and content to get all the attention. You've walked beside me for every therapy appointment that your brother and sister have had, you've been that faithful, constant, dependable kid. You've been an easy kid. But being the easy kid, and the middle kid is the thing I worry most about for you. You've never known a moment alone, you were born into a crowd.

Today when I held your sweaty little hands and it was the Noah show, I felt your nervousness. You had to face the world without the security blanket of your older brother, or your mama, or your protector daddy. It was just you. I watched as the gregarious, large as life personality of Noah James that I have come to adore just melted into a perfect little turtle shell.

It's not easy being the middle kid. You're always someone's brother, it sort of melds into your identity. You have that added difficulty of being the middle kid of two kids with disabilities. I recognize that sometimes we call on you to do things that we don't ask your brother to do. I wonder how unfair you must think that is sometimes?

I think about how everyone seems to remember Elijah everywhere he goes, and how they often forget your name or that Elijah even had a brother. Sometimes, being in Elijah's shadow is an incredibly dark place to be. I see that Noah. I see you.

My prayer for you is that your winning personality and charm will shine through. That you will make friends, a lot of friends. That people will be drawn to you. I pray Noah that you will grow and develop and try new things and discover who you are. That you will have different interests than your brother and that you will thrive in the world you create for yourself.

I pray, as a mother, that I will always take time to listen to you, even if your brother and sister are louder at getting my attention. I pray that I will celebrate and encourage your strengths, that I will be able to talk through things with you and get you to not hide in your shell, but to talk about your feelings.

I have to tell you, saying goodbye to you today and walking away hit me in the gut like you wouldn't believe. You are my buddy Noah. You are mama's boy and I have, perhaps selfishly, grown to love and cherish that. I hate that I have to share you with the world. Can't you just be my little piece of awesomeness who snuggles in bed beside me forever? No? I have to share you with the world?

I just wanted you to know, to have documented proof that you are loved and you are treasured...highly and that I will miss you terribly as you cross the threshold into the school years.

Don't ever grow up Noah, stay Peter Pan forever okay?

Love,
Mama