The truth about grief

When your parent dies, you go through so many stages of grief. And every first holiday, birthday, etc. that comes along reopens a wound that was just starting to heal.

It's been over a year now since I lost my dad. The phone calls, and texts and kind emails of remembrances of him have stopped coming. There are no more cooked meals, no more condolences. The world has moved on.

And because the world moved on, I felt that I should too. I knew that the anniversary of his death could be hard, but I fought back the tears and I continued on with life. That's what you're supposed to do right? I foolishly believed that once I hit the year mark, things wouldn't sting so bad. The ache in my heart would go away. I would sleep better. These are the things I truly believed once May came and went would happen.

Interesting fact: Did you know that grief does NOT go by a calendar? Wasn't I surprised when June came and brought with it a flood of emotions? Why is that? I feel like it's partly because I bottle up my emotions. I don't look at pictures of him, or read his emails or cards. In fact, I spend all day everyday trying so desperately not to even think about him.

I think also, grief gets old to people. Yes, it's sad your dad died and everything but could you kindly get over it? Is that what people's inner thoughts are saying? That's what I feel like they're saying. And so, I avoid talking about it, or thinking about it and only ever allow myself to fall apart when everyone in my house is fast asleep or gone.  Even I'm tired of hearing about it. I find myself constantly saying "Shut up already Erin. Geez."

But here's the awful, rotten truth: I stinking loved my dad. Gut-wrenching, pain in your stomach, gonna lose your mind love.

The first year of grief you're just trying to get through it; the second year, you're finally realizing what life is gonna be like. Now I'm seeing in all the little ways just what I've lost. My dad was my source of wisdom. He was the guy I bounced all my ideas off of, the guy I told my deepest darkest secrets to, and the guy, when I was in a pinch, I asked for help. I just feel robbed. And everytime my car breaks down, or there is a new opportunity, or a problem, or something funny a kid said to me I stop and want so badly, so very desperately to ask him, to tell him, to glean from the fatherly wisdom that is forever lost to me. It is a sickening feeling.

But this is what God has been teaching me this year: Long before there was ever a Steve Reibsome that loved me, and cared for me and told me he was proud of me, there was another dad. A dad who loved every tiny flaw in me, who held my hand when I walked through dark times. A father who saw everytime I ran to the bathroom and tried to hide my tears, and who stroked my hair as I bawled on his shoulder. That daddy, he watched me take my first steps, and he was there when I got my driver's license. He never missed a birthday, or a poignant moment in my life. EVER. And when I sat down and asked my earthly father for advice, and sometimes for financial help, it wasn't ever really Steve Reibsome that gave it to me. No that was just a man that my Heavenly Daddy, my Papa God used to teach me, and help me. It was always Papa God who was there for me. And it is that Daddy that will never grow old, or get sick. His body will not ever see decay and he will Never he will NEVER EVER leave me. I will never know the pain of losing my Heavenly Daddy. Because he will always be there.

While it's hard for me not to pick up the phone and call my dad who is in heaven when something happens to me; when I just need advice or someone to yell alongside of at the injustice that was just done to me, I know that I am not alone. I know I needn't pick up a phone, I can softly whisper. I can ask for help, and it will come. I can ask for wisdom and it will come. I can ask for love, and know that it has always been there. I may have lost my loving father this year, but I also gained the knowledge of something I never truly understood until I lost him; that my heavenly father has and always will be my daddy, my comforter, my supporter, my friend. I need only ask, and he will come quickly to my aid.