People Schmeople

I am probably one of the most independent people you will ever meet. If I had my druthers, I would never have to ask anyone for help. Ever. Shoot, I don't even like people to pay for my coffee. I almost feel sick if someone makes something for me, or gives me something out of the kindness of their heart. It is unfathomable why someone would do such a thing for me. Why am I like this? What's wrong with me? You might ask. I think the bottom line is this: people will let you down.

This is not a bitter diatribe, it's just the cold hard reality of the situation. In life, there will be times when you epically need someone, and they will not be able to be there for you. It's just a fact. So, my defense mechinasm to not be let down by people, is just to not need their help at all. Yes, I am aware of how unrealistic this is. Yet, when I need someone to watch my kids, or help me move furniture, or listen to the insanely horrible day I've had, it's what I tell myself over and over again. I don't NEED you, I don't NEED anyone.

Ever since my dad died, and the black hole that was my summer sucked me up and devoured me, I have noticed a major decline in my peeps; my people. For some reason, I was in the deepest darkest pit, and everyone I knew and loved scattered like it was a crime scene. I still have this wide gaping hole that's left in my heart from not ever being able to talk about what happened to me, or sometimes even, just being able to talk at all.

The hardest part is when people say, "No seriously, let me help you, I'm here." And then you swallow every ounce of pride you have and ask them, and they say no. Shot through the heart and you're too late, baby you give love a bad name. Bon Jovi knew what he was talking about. And it's really hard not to take things personally.

I have spent so many hours wondering why? What did I do wrong? What did I say, or not say? Where have all the cowboys gone? (Okay maybe that was just a little Paula Cole influencing me). And then I bite my lower lip and scream in true alpha female form, "That's fine, I don't need 'em".

But the sad truth is, I really really do. And I absolutely hate that. Like despise to the core how much I really hate that I need people. Why can't I just be an independent hermit God?

Confession:  I'm human. I have major, major, unforgiveable flaws. Trusting people, happens to be a BIG one. I wish I was better at it, and it's something that I am working through. But I've gotta be honest, I think it's gonna be a lifelong fight.

Genesis 2:18 "Then the Lord God said, "It is not good for the man (or woman) to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him."

Blarg.