Having Elijah allowed me the job break I had been longing for since, well I started working. It's not that I am lazy. I firmly believe that if I found a job I loved I could be content working that job for the rest of my life. I simply do not know what I want to do with my life.
It's a question that has been plagueing me since high school, sitting in my career counselor's office. Then it was college, and finding a major and figuring out life. Now, whenever I am introduced to new people and they ask me what I do I actually have a job, being a mother. Then there is the dreaded question that comes next: What do you want to do after kids?
Ugh.
In a few short weeks I turn 27, and as I look back I am faced with a painful reality; I am just as lost and confused about career goals as I was when I was 17. I haven't finished my major, and it makes me hang my head in embarrassement particularily at the thought of having to explain my failure to my children.
Recently as my belly has begun to grow bigger, this has come into my mind even more. I think about this baby being born, and growing up, and going to school and then panic sets in. A lump starts forming in my throat, my stomach starts to churn, because I know that I am going to have to make a decision and the thought of that overwhelms me.
I know I should really have my act together, and nothing reminds me of that more as when I see other people my age becoming doctors, and lawyers; making a name for themselves, doing something with their lives. It's embarrassing. 27 don't come yet... I'm not ready for another year of not knowing.
3 comments:
You are making quite a name for yourself, Erin. Or rather, God is making a name for himself through you. You are tenderly caring for the children he has placed into your life, raising them to love serve and ultimately bring honor to God. THAT is a job worth having! (And from what I've heard, it doesn't stop at 18 either.) Someone once gave me advice: "Enjoy the moment you are in. Yesterday has already passed and we are not promised tomorrow." Who knows what passions and giftings God will give you 20 years from now... just enjoy where you are today. And say proudly, "I'm a MOM!"
Interesting, Erin Kaye. The thoughts here seem so familiar, as if I'd written words with the same sentiment not too long ago. I can sympathize ...
While I'm not job-hopper (just five jobs since college, and two of those changes were because the companies I was working for went out of business), I have found myself over the years often wondering about the same things that you talk about. Pretty much since I left high school and my dreams of being a professional rock musician (that sequence of words seems oxymoronic, doesn't it :-), I've often found myself dreaming about other things that I think I should be doing. Or, I sit around and wonder about what exactly it is I should be doing other than what I already am. Rather frustrating.
I believe, as you probably believe as well, that the true path to contentment is to seek God's will in our lives and follow His calling. if we do that, the void we feel will be filled, and - viola - all those doubts, fears, misgivings will disappear. Now, of course, that's easier said than done, and I'm no shining example of how to accomplish what I just said. But, hey, I figured it couldn't hurt just to mention it. Perhaps your journey will end sooner than mine, and you'll find yourself at the place of contentment, knowing that you are exactly where God wants you to be, doing exactly what God wants you to do.
BTW - You're welcome to borrow my copy of "City Slickers" for viewing near, but always before, your upcoming birthday :-)
Erin,
Remember this..no where in scripture is getting your degree or making something of yourself what the Lord desires or elevates as a cause worthy to strive after...but rather growing in the grace and knowlege (of the Lord), rather! And that's the key! It's so tempting to value what the world values and become "somebody" or "do something for yourself". But Christ always taught us through His life to lay down our lives for others. And that is what you do everyday of your life...you lay aside your desires and put the needs of your child (soon children!) first. Your impact on your children will have a HUGE impact on generations to follow. The way you influence them now will span across time and lives will forever be different. Your kids will never look at you and see your percieved failures. They will lovingly look at you and see a mother who taught them all they know, and with great love. You can be the mother that they pray to the Lord about,thanking Him that He gave to them such a godly mother who taught them in the ways of the Lord and always pointed them to Christ! So be encouraged...you don't need a degree to teach your children God's word and His ways! :)
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