It's no secret I've been having trouble with Olivia's development. It's really been such a big struggle. Not only to get food into her system, but also with our doctor's office. 2 months ago, I went into the doctor, baby in hand and begged for her to take a look at the baby. They turned me a way sighting "problems with my insurance". After 4 grueling weeks of fighting with multiple insurance companies and getting things straightened out, my doctor finally agreed to see Liv. It was that day that she weighed her and proceeded to criticize me for not coming in sooner, and not getting help for her. She said words like "malnourished" and "hospital visit" and a whole boatload of other things that scared me half to death and absolutely crushed my self-confidence. I wanted to scream out how many times I had tried to feed her a bottle, or a sippy cup. I wanted to give her a piece of my mind about turning me away when I HAD come for help. But I sat there and took it, and vowed to do better.What followed was an emotional breakdown of horrific proportions. I spent my weekend listening to Satan's whispers about my ability to parent my child. He said words like "CPS" and "worthless" and "Give up". I fought hard to shut the lies out, but it was pretty easy to let them creep in and meltdown. Meanwhile I fed Liv around the clock and used every tool neccessary to stuff as much formula down her throat as I could. I kept newborn hours with her, and went to the breastfeeding support center for tools to help me. 5 days later, I dragged my beaten down spirit to the pediatrician's office again and took off her diaper to weigh her. In 5 days she had gained 13 ounces! I was stunned, as was the doctor. All I can say is, it was truly the Lord who put fat on those bones.
The fight isn't over yet, we still have a LONG way to go. But I have to say that I am so enjoying this little victory. The hug the doctor gave me at the end didn't hurt either.
Motherhood is all guts and no glory; you check your ego at the door. And it subscribes to the theory that Life really is a fight, but it's well worth the fight.
4 comments:
13 oz in 5 days is amazing! I am so so sorry you were denied help we you sought it. I can only imagine your frustration. Insurance stuff is the worse (did I tell you our current insurance debacle with Hannah?) But remember your around the clock feedings, dedication to get your child to the doctor, your never ending fight for what is best for you kids are all the reasons why you are an amazing mom. When you doubt think about your 13oz in 5 days! I will be praying for you both, especially for you protection from attack.
I can't even imagine! I get crazy when my Eli won't eat breakfast... then turn down lunch... then eat only corn for dinner! I think "holy cow it is my job to get food in that body... and well... it is just not happening!" Then the next day he eats me out of house and home. But that panic of not getting him to eat... AH! You are a strong woman, I would be bonkers by now!
I can't imagine the frustration you are going through... I will pray those attacks stay away! That is scary! But know that I have had to turn parents in to CPS for neglect and sugar I do not see that in you at all! And your Doctor should have known you are doing everything in your power to take care of your babies! If you truly were a neglectful parent you wouldn't have been in that Doctors office!
Praise God for 13 ounces! That is amazing!
Erin, Congratulations on your little one gaining so much weight so fast! I am so sorry you have had to go through all of that...it must be SO hard. May God be with you and help your little girl as well!
Amen Sister! My friend has a license plate cover that says "parenting is not for wimps," and there is definitely lots of guts and very little glory; except when we have God's perspective, eh? These little souls we've been blessed to raise are so worth it!
I'm proud of you and blessed by your writing! Thanks for sharing in the blogosphere!
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