A friend of mine brought up an interesting topic the other day about public bathrooms, it brought a lot of things to mind- mostly gripes. And as you know, I have a profound need to blog my gripes, thus... the creation of this current installment.
There is nothing like the thrill of being out and about, and the defeat of having that "sudden urge" to go. I, being a real woman-about-town, can tell you that I have seen my fair share of common toilets. But one thing that remains a mystery to me are the unwritten laws of the public bathroom.
Rule 1- Talking
Now this rule varies according to what gender you are. I can't exactly speak for men, because frankly I'm not one, but I can go by what my husband tells me, and I find it absolutely fascinating.
For instance, it is perfectly acceptable in a female public bathroom for there to be constant conversation. If you go in with a friend, you can continue the conversation long into the stalls, and long after. It makes no difference what you are doing, it is unnecessary to break conversation for such a small thing. It also allows for when conflict ensues (i.e. the dreaded "can you hand me some toilet paper, there isn't any in my stall" conversation). Which is also another gripe I have, but that will come later.
Men, according to popular opinion, do not share the same need for conversation. In fact, there is a strict NO TALKING policy while doing your business. I found that strange. But I was soon assured it is a common thing. And boys that grow up going to the ladies' room with their mother, often have trouble adjusting to the sudden difference in gender dynamics when entering the men's room.
Rule 2- Waiting in Line
A rule that most men will never get to witness or understand. There is absolutely positively NO BUDGING in line at a women's restroom. It is punishable by group beatings and off-the-cuff remarks. There is occasionally a child who obviously cannot wait, and if there are some very sweet women in line, they will allow the child to go ahead- though old women rarely ever do this. One exception would be pregnant ladies. When I was 7 months pregnant and in line behind 2 old women, they graciously and without hesitation let me go ahead of them "we've been there" was all they need say. It is a common woman thing to allow pregnant women first... and trust me, the preggo's appreciate it.
The only advantage to the "waiting in line" rule is when you need an excuse to have a quick conversation. For instance, if a double date is not going well you and your girlfriend excuse yourself to the restroom and do not come out for several minutes.... what's your excuse? "There was a long line".
Which brings me to the next rule.....
Rule 3- Herding
Yet another gender rule, why is it that women ALWAYS go to the bathroom in herds while men prefer to go solo? Well, as I have stated earlier, men prefer silence while doing their business. Women, on the other hand, often times use it as an excuse to gab, or apply extra lipstick. Contrary to popular belief, we do NOT use the time to have pillow fights in our underwear!
Rule 4- The stall problem
This one is a toughy, because I cannot for the life of me understand why we do this, but if there is a long line of stalls, most women will go to the middle stalls. FACT- the middle stalls have the most germs and are often the least clean, because they are the most commonly used one. So why do we go to the middle stalls? I have absolutely NO IDEA. But most every woman I've talked to does the same thing.
There are many other bathroom rules out there, and my hope is that this sparks people's interest enough to share their wealth of knowledge on the subject.
Yeah, to all you out there in bloggerland, I decided to forgo the traditional Christmas greeting card and opted for a, more humorous approach.
Merry Christmas guys... hope you enjoy!
Okay, so you've all been waiting for another Erin grievance... and here it is: What is up with Forwards? I click on my hotmail account and my inbox is full... I am so excited to see who has written me, when, alas, I discover my inbox is flooded with forwards. There are all types of forwards, but there are usually a few main categories:
First off there's the sappy "story about the troops" forward that your friend who's family member is in the armed forces sends. It's sweet, but often long and frankly I just don't have the time or the tissue to finish it. I know it makes me out to be some heartless witch who isn't supportive... but I maintain that I don't have to read a forward to support our troops.
Next up are the "Funny" forwards that often have titles like "FW: Read this- it's hilarious!" Now, I don't mind a good joke now and then.... I will even read a funny story when the mood strikes. But I find that most of the time a title of an email says "this is hilarious" it's usually doomed to not be funny. So, what do you do at this point? Clearly the person who sent it thought it was funny- do you email them back and say the dreaded "LOL" or "ha ha ha". No.. I choose to click the delete button.
Then there's the "God forwards". Now these get me into trouble. Because it is clearly not the insight of a close friend or family member but rather an exerpt from a book or a prophetic word from some random person I've never heard of, I tend to really quickly delete said forwards. The problem is (and this ALWAYS happens to me) the person who sent the all-important-forward will ask me if I read it. Now, I am not lying... I do actually open the email and scan very quickly for about 10 seconds so technically I am reading it. I, ofcourse like a dope, tell them, "yes I read it." BOOM- big mistake. Then they begin talking about this forward I have just said I have read and how meaningful it was to them. Then come the questions about it, "Did you like that part about Moses and the burning bush?" Remember... I didn't actually read it, but fortunately I do have some knowledge of the story of Moses and the burning bush so I make up some lame answer like, "Yes... boy God really spoke to Moses didn't he?" Yeah... that sounded okay.
The point is, if you want to talk spiritually people, I am right here... give me a call on the... I don't know... telephone or something. Don't send me a forward about some great spiritual thing in your life and expect me to have memorized it word for word.
But lately, I have been getting the most entertaining forwards, since becoming a mother. With titles like: "FW: what deadly foods are your children eating?" who wouldn't read the email right? Well, I would be a fool if I said I didn't at least open them, but after you get about 4 of said emails a day, you begin to become numb to all the dangers this world has to offer your children.
I believe that it's simply all about the title. If the letters FW: are in it, you can be sure it will be deleted. I wish people would start coming up with their own interesting jokes, warnings, reminders, and stories and stop forwarding other people's!
While driving in my car today with the windows down, the sunglasses on and the stereo cranked it occured to me..... I might soon be..... uncool.
Being a California girl I have grown accustomed to blasting my Blink 182, Everclear and Jimmy Eat world while driving my car on a bright sunny day. But today, as I listened to Blink I realized that it MAY not be suitable for children.
Then I gasped.... was I doomed to become one of those soccer moms? Those people that wear mom-jeans and join the PTA? Could I really end up being the kind of person I'd (gulp) always made fun of?
It was then that I made up my mind to be a non-conformist. I am who I am. I like wearing pajama-pants in the middle of the day, and flip-flops in the middle of winter. I like being silly and dancing like a wild banchie in my living room. And having a kid is certainly not going to change that. I will simply be a "cool" mom.
When I drop my kid off at school, I will be fully equipped with big sunglasses, cute pj's, and an iced caramel machiato- blasting music as loud as possible. Ofcourse, my son will probably be embarrassed, but that's okay because I will not go silently into that cold cold night. I will hang on to every shred of youth and rebellion that I can. And when I have wrinkles on my face and everything's saggy....... you will STILL hear my stereo turned up.
Being unique is a relative term because everybody is.... erego no one really is. But I think that one of the things that truly makes someone unique is their words. You see, each person has their own jargon - some use slang words or popular catch phrases that, mixed with their diction, basically makes a fingerprint of a person.
I once had a friend who said "dude" every 5 seconds. If it was said in an annoying pitch, it could get old really fast, but the way she said "dude" made it cool and a little humorous... this made me like her all the more. In fact, I caught myself saying "dude" more frequently when I was around her. I found it fascinating how a person could influence your speech. Over the past 24 years, I estimate that I have picked up about 15 people's catch phrases and mixed them until they have now become my own unique fingerprint.
Example #1: If someone asks me to take a bite of their food and tell me what I think, if I don't like it... I'll say "I'm not a fan". The reason I say this is because I feel it would be rude to come right out and say that I hate it, so I feel it softens the blow. I use this phrase for whenever I don't like something.
#2: If I'm telling a story and reiterating a conversation, instead of saying blah-blah-blah..... I say "Blawdy-blawdy". Why? I have no idea... but I think I had a friend once who said "schma- schma" and I didn't want to copy her, so I formed my own version of blah.
#3: In an effort to curb my "bad word usage" instead of saying crap or oh my gosh, I started saying "jimminy cricket" which sounded a little bit adolescent... so I shortened it. Now whenever someone pulls in front of me too quickly or I stub my toe you can hear me shouting "Jimminy!"
#4: I also, and I am a bit embarrassed to admit this, occasionally will say "Word" in response to a statement that is made that I believe in. Of course, I never do this in the presence of anyone over 35.
When I was a senior in college I lived on a floor dominated by freshmen. My roomate and I were the oldest, which I guess by default made us the coolest? So, we decided to do a little test to see how far our language would reach. We thought of the dumbest catch phrase to say that even had a hand gesture associated with it that we would use ALL THE TIME for a week. After that week, or ENTIRE floor was saying (and doing) it. It was ridiculous just how much influence we had..... and I felt very powerful. Muah ha ha.
So the next time you catch yourself doing an "ism" ... no matter how silly it might be, you can smile and know that it's what makes you UNIQUELY you!
Those of you who read my blogs regularily know that I do use them to rant about the world's injustices and oddities. So, in the risk of sounding a lot like Jerry Seinfeld I prose this question:
What is the deal with people and shopping carts?
I went to the grocery store yesterday to fill my weekly food quota and was met with an array of aisle-hoggers and speed demons. Seriously people, what is up with the irresponsible shopping cart driving?
Have you ever been in an aisle with an aisle hogger? Ya know, it's that lady who always has to walk down the middle of the aisle- not the side, and goes like 1.5 miles an hour? I feel they should be made to wear flashers and one of those annoying beeping devices. Maybe throw in a big yellow construction hat that says " I know you're trying to get past me....but I don't care. I have nothing better to do with my time then to decide which jar of peanut butter is cheaper. Just deal with it."
What about the race car drivers? You know, the people that think they're in the Indie 500. You're pushing your cart along, minding your own business when suddenly this man who clearly decided he was going to go grocery shopping in 12 minutes flat stands behinds you and huffs. Now you know he's agitated and it's making you stressed out. You can't remember what kind of oil you were supposed to get: was it peanut oil, what about canola? Oh crap-this guy is breathing down your neck... and that's all you can think about. Suddenly he sees a very small opening between you and the aisle and says "EXCUSE ME!!" and pushes your cart to the side knocking down that huge display of Crisco... which, you then remember, happens to be the kind of oil you were looking for.
I am intrigued by the soccer-mom cart driver. I love how they play chicken with people in the aisle. It's almost like they're saying "Look I've got 3 kids and 500 pounds of food in this cart, do you really want to mess with me?" They are the only shopping cart drivers who can actually use their cart as a weapon. Do you know there are more accidents caused by soccer-mom shopping cart drivers then by any major Airline pilot? Go ahead, check the statistics, I think you'll agree.
There's always the James Bond driver. Even though he owns a car and has driven for 25 years, he still feels the need to drive on the right side of the aisle because.... well frankly he's never been to England and he just wanted to see what it was like to drive on the other side of the road for a change.
My favorite is the 10-year-old driver. The kid who gets so antsy that his mother lets him drive the cart just to shut him up? I love those kids, always pushing the cart way to fast so they can jump on the wheels and use them as breaks when suddenly.... they crash into your ankles. "Ooopse sorry lady" . You want to strangle him, but ofcourse you don't because 2 seconds later he crashes into the aisle hogging lady in front of you... and that gratifies you emmensley :)
The point is, there are rules people. There are simple unwritten guidelines about shopping cart use. And if people do not start following these rules, I may have to take things into my own hands. Watch out congress... here I come!!!
It's that time of year again. The time for turkey and pumpkin pie. The time for giving thanks. And what better time to give thanks than by donating to a not-so-local charity. The Erin-needs-a-digital-camera-so-she-doesn't-have-the-same-crappy-myspace-pictures fund is really the best way to give this holiday season. It's for someone you all love dearly who is in need this year. Plus, it's an excellent tax write-off (you'll thank me in April).
So if you're feeling generous and have a little extra cash.. think about giving back. That's what this season is really all about.
Much love,
Erin (general manager and/or recipient of the fund)
Do you see how bad this is? Please people help is needed!!!!
Have you ever had that can't-sleep-but-am-too-tired-to-do-anything-and-there-are-entirely-too-many-hyphens-in-this-sentence-feeling?
That's where I am right now. You're brain is working over-time but you're body shut down 2 hours ago. Oh yeah baby, I call it a mental brain freeze. And boy is my brain frozen right now.
Not sure why I decided to share this with the world, or what the relevance is. However, since most of my blogs are full of complicated questions and mental and spiritual growth, I thought it would be nice to create a blog that made absolutely no sense, had no point to it, and provoked absolutely no thought. So, if you've gotten all the way to the bottom of this blog, I commend you. And invite you to one night try to write a blog when you are having a mental brain freeze.
In the words of Eyore:
Thanks for noticing!
Today as I was standing at the bar, attempting to make the perfect cappucino a thought popped into my head: Making friends is a lot like making coffee.I realize this might sound odd at first, but humor me. Standing there amidst the steam of the milk wand it occured to me just how much time, effort, finesse, and talent it takes to make the perfect cup-o-joe. You have to remember each step... taking time to make sure the temperature of the milk is right: not too hot, not too cold. You have to make the perfect shot: 12-23 seconds in length. You have to create the right kind of foam: not too frothy, not foam with giant bubbles. If you think about it, it's a lot like making friends.
You have to be charming, and witty, and interested, but not too pushy. You have to take time listening to people's history, interests, needs. You have to assess what makes them tick.. or at least I do. I guess I didn't realize how long that took.
Some friendships are quick, and end in a blaze of glory, like shots of espresso. Some take a long time to make a connection, like a non-fat, sugarfree vanilla cappuccino.And some people, like some coffee, don't turn out the way you thought they would, so you have to start over again.
I guess, in short... this whole making friends in a new town thing takes a lot more skill and mastery than I had originally thought. I only wish it took as long to make a friend as a cup of coffee.
